I Said Now

Published Date: August 11th, 2008
Category: Weekly Thought

 

I have this horrible predicament in that I cannot live in the present or even in the past—I am constantly living in the future. I do have rare occasions when I can appreciate the moment for what it is.

 

My boy counting butterflies at a nature sanctuary. Flying kites with my family on a windy beach in Baileys Harbor. Eating a dripping ice cream sandwich on a row boat during sunset. And these moments are so real to me. I experience them and know that there is nothing better than what I am doing at that absolute minute in time.

 

But then I get these flash-forwards and they honestly kill me and bring gushing tears to my eyes. I somehow already know what it will feel like the first time I reach for my son’s hand on the sidewalk and he pushes it away. Or that first morning he does not call out to me,

 

“Mama, I am awake! Is it time to get uppy now? I need you!”

 

and instead I will just find him silently playing in his room, unaware that in the past he needed me to lift him out of his little bed and take him downstairs to his “waking up moments” on the green couch.

 

I know that when I watch my son dance his first dance with his wife at their wedding I will be so happy and proud for him, yet so desolate and sad. I cannot imagine what my mother-in-law felt on our wedding day when she realized that her son had a permanent new number one woman in his life.

 

But for the first time today, I was able to see the entire spectrum: the past, the present, and the future. And I honestly know that it just does not get any better than this. It does not get any better than lazy mornings with my 3-year-old who loves spending time with me. It doesn’t get any better than running around in the gushing water at the River Park on Francisco or holding his firm little body against mine while we “swim.”

 

We went to see Kung Fu Panda and I think I finally found myself a new mantra. Yes, I am now constantly repeating a line over in my head that was said by an animated turtle, but who gets to see real movies or read real books anymore? Anyway, whenever I start hyperventilating that our summer before pre-school is almost over or that God help me, in two years he will be in kindergarten ALL DAY, I shall repeat to myself:

 

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

 

 

 

This entry was posted on Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm and is filed under Weekly Thought. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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